Words are the source of misunderstandings 
 Going to a country where you don't speak the language
is like wading into the sea when you can't swim.
As soon as we start putting our thoughts into words and sentences,
everything  gets  distorted.

Later I  go  to  eat  at  a  bigger  restaurant.  The  waiter  brings  me  a  spoon  and  a  knife  but  no  fork.  I  tell  her  "I  wanna  a  fork"  and  she  tell  me:  "everyone  wanna  f@?k ".  I  tell   her  "you don't  understand  me...  I  wanna  fork  on  the  table".  She  say:  "you   better  not  f@?k  on  the  table   you  sonnawabitch" .

So  I  go  back  to  my  room  in  my  hotel  and  there  is  no  sheets  on  the  bed.  I  call  the  manager  and  tell  him  "I  wanna  a  sheet".  he  tell  me  to  go  the  toilet.  I  say  "you  don't  understand  I  wanna  a  sheet  on  my  bed".  He  say: "you  better  not  shit  on  the  bed,  you  sonnawabitch".

I  go  to  the  check-out  and  the  man  at  the  desk  said  "peace  on  you",   and  I  say:  "Piss  on  you  too,  you  sonnawabicth".    I  gonna  back  to  Italy !

Funny  airline  pilot  announcements
(left passengers in stitches and made you laugh)

Welcome on board, I’m Captain Mary Jokers.  Yes, I’m a female pilot, and as a benefit, if we get lost on the way, I won’t be afraid to stop and ask for directions.  We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.  Please remain seated.  Position your seat belt tight, low, and across your hips, like my grandmother wears her support bra.  In a short time, we will serve refreshments.  Please remember that we are in the airline business, not the food business.  If you need an additional reading light, just push the button above your head with the lightbulb on it.  That’ll turn the light on.  However, if you push the button above your head with the flight attendant on it, it does not turn us on.  We’ll be landing as soon as we get closer to the ground.  In case of an emergency landing, air masks will drop from the overhead compartments. 

After a heavy landing, the pilot announced:  Folks, we will be arriving early today because we found a shortcut.  As you may already know, we have hit our destination.  Pack your bags and get out.  Please make sure you take all your belongings with you.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.  Please don’t leave children or spouses...

To  fly   is   to  live
May your passport get stamps from every country in the world.

Travelers advisory:  Jet lag is for amateurs.

Airports:  The only place where drinking  8:00am is socially acceptable.

Airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in all directions.

A hotel management:   We're sorry Instant Spouses not allowed.

A restaurant:   Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Travel documents:  You’ve never felt true fear until your passport isn’t where you think you left it.

Final Boarding Call Announcement:  Passengers arriving at the departure gate after this announcement are late and may not be boarded.  Dial *69 for The Number of Your Last Phone Call.

To  travel  is  to  live